Liberal Diagnosis

Wear jeans with holes in them; don't clean them before the week is over; hug trees repeatedly during your daily nature walk; pick flowers while marveling at the beauty of the world; don't you dare spit your gum out on the ground; think about the amount of pollution created by the factory that produced that gum; think about the big picture for once; be considerate you self-absorbed bastard; disagree with those close-minded conservatives about their concrete beliefs; agree completely with the abolishment of the death penalty; didn't that guy murder seven children? He might be innocent; you have to regard eccentric individuals with an open-mind; vote for the Democratic candidate even if you disagree with him on most things; smoke weed daily to fight for its legalization; but I care more about my lungs; you must think about the greater good; volunteer for a soup kitchen and fight for the rights of the poor; protest against laws you find unconstitutional; ignore the tear gas, because it is a small price to pay for your freedom; This is how you show the love for your country; honorable men died for your right to vote: don't become a complacent fool; you must vote every chance you get; protest against unjust wars even if you mentally damage our own troops in the process; be sure speak daily about the your disgust with former President Bush's blunders in the Middle East; don't listen to the right-wing nonsense that the American people elected him twice; blame Republicans for all that is wrong in the world, focusing especially on the catastrophic recession in America; they let big businesses grow out of control; therefore, the hardworking liberals are being punished for their greed; fight against the NRA's attempts to legalize personal gun use; guns kill children; you must respect and love people of different race, creed, and sexual-orientation; you must fight for their rights the way you would for your own; show those bigoted Republicans how forward-thinking you are; be sure to fight for the rights of gay, lesbian, and transgender couples; equal rights must be given to everyone; refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance; religion must be kept out of all public spaces; ultimately, you must believe in the government to protect our civil liberties and human rights; one man alone is not capable of this.